Soooooooo......let me start by saying, I've needed a new swimsuit for quite some time and really realized it when my old one was almost ripped from my person the last time I was at the beach with Joie. I never liked the thing but it served it's purpose until it could serve no longer. I've been eyeing some ones on line that I'd love to own but am not ready to spend the $$$ to make it happen.
I've most recently come in to my own confidence concerning the state of my body and decided to love it and myself every step of the way to the body goal I'm working on achieving. I took the pressure off of myself and have adopted the "here I am - like it or not" mode. I now wear shorts despite the cellulite and am in good company on the beach with the "I'm here to enjoy myself and sorry-not sorry" if you have a problem with the way I look. My pregnancy stretch marks no longer bother me - they ain't going anywhere - they actually haven't bothered me for quite sometime. My kids are grown and my tiger stripes are a fond reminder of carrying them.
Back to the arduous search for a water suit. Tuesday night after work, I attempted to get my stylist (Joie) to accompany me to Tarzhay before the mall closed. She declined and instructed me to just FaceTime her when I got there. I was tired but determined not to wear the camo-suit again to the beach. When I got to the bathing suit section I was so overwhelmed that I almost started crying. Me, my little Target basket and tears, but I held them back and called my child. I was showing her, or at least trying to show her what my options were. She was trying to help but my brain was on overload so I returned my basket, got off of the phone in defeat and left the store. I got back home and there she sat....in the same space...my fashion advisor....my stylist....my child. Yes, I'm a clothing designer, but I could also live in jeans, chucks and tee shirts so there! I told her I would just hit Target when I got to Chesapeake and make it happen there. So Wednesday night, I headed out with much more energy and determination to get something. I walked in the door and was immediately distracted by the purses and all of the cute clothes calling my name. So I gave myself 10 minutes to look and then headed over to the swim suits. I selected 5 pieces, put them in my little basket and headed to the fitting room. I FaceTimed Joie and showed her what I had picked and told her that I would call her back once I had the first one on. I came out of my clothes but kept my drawers on. Women's swim bottoms have that supposed sanitary strip on them, but I've heard stories so I wasn't taking any chances. Let me say that I'm guilty of picking sizes that I think I should be able to fit in when it comes to clothes and I end up being much larger that I thought. So, I gather all of my wobbly bits and pieces and stuff them in tops and bottoms that I though were my size. They were not my size. I broke out into a sweat trying to get in some and then trying to get out of them. Strings here, ties there....whew. One of my nips got caught in the cross fire and almost brought me to my knees but I remembered that I survived breastfeeding twice and got myself together. I saved the one piece to try on last. Joie thought it was the cutest but I couldn't keep my unruly boobs in the boob pockets so that one was a "no" - a cute lacy number that one was.
I was undeterred and got dressed leaving my mirrored room to return those and strike out again for more. This time I pulled eight pieces. The bottom was large, very large, like kite large, but I figured, as long as I was comfortable then so be it. There were 2 other matching sets and then the rest were tops. Yep, the fact that I had settled on getting a 2-piece left me unphased. Since what I though was my bra/top size wasn't working for me the first go round, I picked up tops that said "D". I can put my head in a "D", not a boob. Anywho, I called Joie after I tried on piece after piece. Most were possibilities, and she asked me if I felt comfortable in a couple of them because my lower gelly belly was exposed and my only worry was that the matching top was wonky. We narrowed them down to 2 choices. Both had the same bottom - the largest kite bottom. The tops amazingly fit all of my gathered bits. One managed to camouflage my back fat (damn that back fat!) with string. I liked that one the best because of that fact. Where in the hell does that back fat come from anyway and how does it creep up and land unnoticed until it's noticed?! I'm willing to give mine away to anybody who wants some. Joie didn't think it matched the large bottoms so I settled on the cute top that I could fit my head in. I'm not heavy chested, never have been so I'm not understanding where these things came from all of a sudden how come they are so comfortably resting in these head cups. Done! Pleased with our selection, I get dressed again, exit the dressing room proudly and give the attendant all of the other try ons and tell her I'm getting the "set". I check-out and leave Tarzhay with my new "suit" and get home (my folks) in what seemed like 2 minutes. I run upstairs and try on the "suit" without the sani strip and drawers and attempt to take selfies to send to Joie. My selfie game sucks and is ultra awkward but I do it because I'm proud that I don't care what's hanging, bulging and or sagging. I'm loving where I am and where I will be and most of all, I'm comfortable in this contraption........ready to face the disrobing waves.
Pop woke me up to get the door. It looked a bit overcast but I planned on still going to the oceanfront to have some alone time and to deepen the brown. By the time, I left the house, the sun was shining full force. I drank my protein shake earlier and was full so no need to stop for snacks. I had my beach umbrella in tow this time so I was feeling extra special - HA! I parked almost in the same spot as last time, paid the meter and headed to the water. I was hit by the smell of 1006 E.Main Street, Murfreesboro, NC. The heavenly kitchen smells that came from that house - my grandma Eddie Bell's house. Sausage, pancakes with the brown crunchy edges and Karo Syrup. Yeah, I said it - Karo Syrup. I though about all of the love and fun that came out of that house - the love that makes a house a home. I found a nice spot, set my stuff out and proceeded to get of my shorts and tee so I could take a dip in mother nature's pool. I slathered sunscreen on, watched the water for a bit and then got in. The water was a good temp - not freezing and the waves were not as bad as the last time. I stayed in until I felt something on my toe and decided to get out to investigate. Nothing wrong with the toe, no hermit crab attached to the toe - I was good. I headed back to my blankie and towel and laid out like a tired puppy. The ocean breeze was cool and sleep inducing. I knew if I fell asleep then I would wake up sunburned so I fought it and just stayed awake, people watched and pretty much though about nuthin. My brain is usually on overdrive so to so easily think about nuthin was heavenly. I decided after an hour or so of just languishing to get back in the ocean. I stood up to head out and heard a loud crack in the sky. I looked behind me and saw that the sky was black so I just went to the water to stick my toes in.....stupid right?! The next few moments were comical. The lifeguards stood up in their chairs, blew their whistles and signaled everyone to get out of the water. They were met with no resistance. Everyone sort of quietly got out quickly but calmly as if trying to tippy toe around a sleeping toddler. I've have never seen a beach clear so quickly. I gathered my stuff, put my umbrella up and over my shoulder and headed to the car. " Do not pass go, Do not collect $200" was on my mind. I asked the weather Gods to allow me to get to the car a block away and actually get in the car before the skies opened up. I marveled at the folks who were in line waiting to rinse their feet off at the foot fountain instead of getting to where they needed to be - away from the elements. I waited at the "forever" traffic lights and made it to the car. I threw my stuff in the trunk and got in the car. The sky then opened. "Thank you weather Gods!" Now a little hungry and craving waffle fries and peach tea, I headed back to Chesapeake and stopped off at Chick fil-a. Still comfortable in my newly purchased suit, I was planning in my head my next trip to the beach for another dip unphased about my bits and pieces and more concerned about the peace and tranquility that I had gained.
I was hesitant to post pics of my suit at first, but I figured if my newly found comfort of my far from perfect frame helps someone else shed that burden of uncomfortable-ness then so be it. I also stopped explaining my life away. I used to feel obligated to answer peoples intrusive questions about my choices, my experiences, my life. I have no problem with saying "no" or "that's not up for discussion" or "that's none of your business". Funny what peace being in your 50's brings. Love yourself now, tomorrow is not promised.